I Am Me


I am always myself. I never once think I am special or different or anything. I believe that everyone has their own color which is special to themselves. No matter how much similarities you share with another, there will always be more things different. That nature in itself made every person is unique in their own.

I don’t live a hermit life. I socialize to some extent. In my time of socialization, I realize there is some distinct border, unseen, but you could sense that limit your interaction with some others. I sometimes sense it coming from people putting up their guards on me. Mostly because they think I am someone difficult to approach. I don’t blame them and often think it is just me.

I have mentioned in my other post before that there was a time where I blame myself too much when I can’t get along with people or when I sense that border coming from people directed to me while they are easily connecting with some others. I started to think what’s wrong with me and so many questions of why popped up in my head.

Although I had that kind of self-blaming mode in me, I still stay true to myself. I just slowly drifted away from them, those who didn’t want me in their circle. I actually know what they want, all the questions popping in my head, I have multiple answers to them. But the thing is I don’t want to do any of those ways just to make me fit into someone’s circle. I choose to be genuine.

All the long while, I no longer feel there is a need for self-blame. As I found that people are no different than pieces of puzzle. The ones with the right form will fit you a.k.a. get along with you. I have found several people where our puzzles match with each other. Although not so many, I’m still quite satisfied. They are the people who accept me for who I am, not even trying to change me. Just like I never try to change other people. I am just thankful for their presence in my life.

I am just glad that even though along the way it has cost me many people, I stay true to myself. I always think it’s better to lose others than to lose myself trying to fit in. When I come to accept myself, I see my own value and appreciate what I see in me. In other words, instead of winning others, I choose to win myself and it has made my life content and peaceful.


I’m not angry, just upset!


Upset vs Angry

Upset is different in meaning from angry. If you look through their meanings in the dictionary, you will find that
Angry contains the strong feelings of hostility and displeasure.
Upset contains the emotions of disappointment, worry, unhappiness, sadness.

Upset is a more light feeling that we often feel in our daily interaction with people. Whilst anger is something more bubbling inside us and sometimes explode when we can’t contain it. So angry is not an emotion we often experience.

Between those two feelings, let me tell you more about my experience of being angry.

Like my mom, I used to be someone who never got angry. Even when the ordeal is not sided with me or someone do me wrong, I would be sad, but not angry.
A close friend of mine once asked me of something that made her angry on why I wasn’t angry. On different occasion, another friend said the same remark saying if that occasion happened to her, She would get angry and why didn’t I. At both time I honestly wasn’t feeling angry and just thought there was no need to get angry about it. So it went and it went.

Being angry is not something I can be proud about. Often time I consider I would be a person to regret it much if I get angry so I don’t get angry often. Because I don’t get angry often, I still remember the times when I get angry, Once in high school, Twice in university, Four times in the first five years of working, Once during my master study, and Another four times after I started working again. So I guess it’s Twelve in total. But seriously, in each of those twelve occasions it doesn’t feel good to be angry. So I always hope there will be no further need to get angry about.

As someone who is more in the quiet side, I don’t usually blow up when I’m angry. I often hold the anger feeling inside first, but when I could no longer hold it in then it shows. Among the twelve occasions I remember getting angry, I showed my anger on 8 of them. The other four, I managed to hold them in somehow. I honestly don’t know which one is better, to hold in or let the feeling show.

In Islam, it is advised not to get angry. There are even ways to be taken in order not to get angry. While in psychology, it is said getting angry is sometimes needed and repressing it is not good for your health. In my experience, I see sometimes getting angry is needed to let someone know that a certain action is intolerable so they would not do such action again to you. Although it should be avoided to let the anger control yourself that you could just end up hurting people to ease yourself instead of making your points taken. So maybe you could say that as a controlled anger.

But honestly, I would prefer we as humans just get along well and not hurting each other so there’s not even a need to get angry about. If we think before we speak, we consider other people first before we take action that could harm them, and everyone respect each other, wouldn’t our world be more beautiful?


I am Generalist and Friendly When I Want to be


If people are classified into generalist or specialist, then I’m definitely a generalist.
My interests are wide so I could talk to people from different backgrounds about different topics, maths, languages, ITs. religions, entertainments (music, movie, drama, show, dance, etc), medical, geography, history, economy, philosophy, traveling, art, psychology, science, animal, policy, mythology, education, etc. I like everything.
Since I’m not the type to judge, I am open to talk about anything to anyone without judging.
That’s why I don’t like to be judged by other people.

I have my beliefs, my values, my own ways of thinking, my right and wrong compass, but I never try to inflict mine upon others.
Because in the end, right and wrong is subjective.
Even when it is not, it is down to every person’s choice.
After all, we carry our own weight of choices of right or wrong. So why need to force it upon others?
Or sometimes getting mad when our values are not accepted.
Or hating people who are not in our zone.
I thought it’s pretty ridiculous. People could even start a war for that.
But well again, people are different so it’s their choice.

What I’m saying is, I am a good listener and quite a good talker.
But once I feel uncomfortable in the talking situation, I’d rather not talk.
For example, when people start bashing others just for the fun of it or when people think they’re higher than other people.
Because I am a person who believe everyone of us are equals.
Jobs, degrees, knowledge, riches, rankings, competencies, lifestyles, races, religions, hobbies are not the things that should divide us or classify us into better or worse.
For example, just because you play golf, to me you’re NOT someone on a higher level. Puff!

Of course I notice that my kind of mindset is not usual to what’s accepted in the society who likes the idea of social status and really enjoys to differentiate respect based on that.
So if you’re someone who are not so eager to be respected more and treated differently, you could come to me to talk. LOL
I’m open for anything.

The person in me has never changed no matter what age I am, my relationship status, what language I’m talking, my job position, my level of income, the knowledge I’m learning, the degree I’m having, my lifestyle, or even overall appearance, etc.
I’m true to the bone.
So likewise, you don’t need to treat me different.
If you don’t like that, well, it’s your choice.
I’m not changing for you to like me.

I was disrespected few times, for those reasons, job position, relationship status, level of income, overall appearance, lifestyle, you name it. I just can’t say or do anything about it.
It’s their choice.
That’s why often time I choose to be alone.
I just come to people I’m comfortable with.
Most of my friends are people who are not so quick to judge or differentiate.

I met 8 new persons recently, different race, religion, job, interest, education, relationship status, countries of origin, and I could match them all.
See, I could be friendly when I want to.
And of course if they want to as well.
Because it takes two to tango.

People who are already judging me, ah she is so quiet, she must not like this, she seems so unapproachable, she must have high standard, she is difficult, her hobby is not the same as mine, talking to her might be boring, she is not up to my level, thus choose not to approach or talk to me or shun me out when I’m trying to talk to them, would not discover anything about me, how wide my interest is, or how deep layered my personality is.
And it’s their choice.


Disclaimer: Picture is not mine, all rights belong to the original source.

My 100 Questions and Answers

100 Questions and Answers (copied and adjusted to me)
1.) Nickname: Hifni
2.) Enneagram Type: Tritype (1-5-9), Basic and Wing (1w9)
3.) Personality type: INFJ (less than 1% of the world)-Ambivert (38-68% of the world)-HSP (15-20% of the world)
4.) Blood type: O- (5% of the world)
5.) Height: 160 cm
6.) Weight: >50 kg (fluctuative)
7.) Shoe size: 250 mm (40)
8.) Personality: Quite, but can be talkative with people I’m close with, or to strangers sometimes when I feel like it
9.) Dream: To be a university lecturer and to leave something good to the world
10.) Specialties: Learning, Daydreaming, Singing, Sleeping, Thinking, Organizing and Making Notes
11.) Hobbies: Watching movies dramas or shows, Surfing the internet, Listening to the Mucis, Singing, Reading
12.) My idol: My mom
13.) Ideal type: Someone who is loving and affectionate
14.) Fav Flower: Rose, any kinds of flower
15.) The kind of person you want to love you: A warm-hearted and responsible person
16.) Fav. Fruit: Bananas, guava and mango
17.) People you don’t like: Someone who hurts other people
18.) Fav comic book: I like many, but most favourite is Garasu no kamen by Suzue Miuchi
19.) What I’m worried about: Whether my time in the world is worthy enough.
20.) Sleeping out: Don’t want to
21.) Alcohol tolerance: No alcohol. I don’t drink.
22.) First love: My mom 🙂 (I love my mom)
23.) People I respect: My mom, a tender and warm-hearted person
24.) Sport I’m good at: I’m not good at any sport
25.) Fav song: I have too many
26.) Things you want to master: A new skill
27.) When I look the best: When I got no acne or when I smile
28.) Person I liked the best out of all the people I’ve gone out with: I never have boyfriend or go out with anyone
29.) Fav number: 8
30.) Prized possession: My books, CD Albums, and souvenirs collection.
31.) At what age you want to get married: Age doesn’t matter, just when I found my soulmate
32.) Religion: Islam
33.) Fav perfume: I don’t like perfume. A nice scent of soap, shampoo, or laundry softener is enough.
34.) Fav color: Anything that looks good
35.) Good thing about myself: I like to learn
36.) Bad thing about myself: Not easy to approach people
37.) Favourite dish: Anything delicious
38.) Smoking habit: I don’t smoke and against smoking because it posions your body and other people’s body who breathe in the smoke.
39.) On a rainy day I want to go outside and get wet?: No~! I want to sleep
40.) Things I cook well: Easy recipe
41.) Something I want to do right now: I want to improve in any way I can.
42.) Foreign language I’m good at: English (still a lot to improve)
43.) Something I want to do with the person I love: Talk and gaze at each other
44.) A present I want to give to the person I love: My love
45.) A present I want to receive from the person I love: Love and more love!
46.) Things (stuffs) I want: I want many things
47.) How long I can wait for someone: My whole life
48.) Phone greeting: Salam, Hello?
49.) Ringtone: Runaway
50.) Caller rings: None
51.) If you found 1 million dollars on the road: I’ll look for the person who lose it
52.) Habits: Thinking, laying down (I think a lot, even when I’m dazed, I’m thinking of something)
53.) Sleeping habits: I sleep on my side with my hand under the pillow
54.) What I’m wearing as of now: Casual clothes
55.) I want to die when: I have done many good deeds
56.) #1 Treasure: My faith
56.) How many times have you given to or received flowers or chocolate from a person of the different gender: 0 (never)
57.) Where do I want a plastic surgery: I don’t want to
58.) My charm: I have layered personality. If I get closer to someone, then I can show more of me gradually
59.) What people think of me: I don’t know
60.) Something I say a lot: Salam, Thank you
61.) What if you are alone: I’m used to be alone
If you are alone in this whole world: Oh, that would be bad.
62.) When I was most hurt: Physically, stomachache I had during the first and second year of the university. Headache I had in 2016.
63.) When I feel the happiest: When I love myself
64.) What I do when I’m scared: I pray and I hold onto myself.
65.) Countries you want to travel to: Many countries, South Korea, Japan, Greece, Switzerland, Finland, New Zealand, etc.
66.) What I do when I’m stressed: I listen to music
67.) What is love: A feeling stronger than like when you feel the importance of the other persons presence in your life and have the willingness to do things to make them happy, when you can accept them the way they are, and the reasons you started to like them at the beginning have subside but you still cherish them anyway.
68.) What I do when I’m mad: I glare to make my point but mostly I will be silent and keep it to myself.
69.) Things I can’t eat: Bitter foods
70.) How many hours you sleep: 8 hours (I want to)
71.) Something I want to learn: Foreign languages
72.) What I do when there is someone I don’t like: Ignore them
73.) When I was the happiest in my life: When I got a scholarship to study abroad
74.) What I think of money: It’s essential but not everything
75.) If the person you love ended up loving someone else: I’ll let them go because it’s important to be mutual in love
76.) Most recent time I cried: I don’t remember, maybe three months ago.
77.) Sunshine or Moonlight: Sunshine
78.) First kiss: None
79.) When your heart hurt the most: When I was judged or not loved
80.) Favourite person of a different race I like: Any race is fine with me as long as they’re nice
81.) Place I want to go the most: Makkah, Saudi Arabia (for Hajj or Umroh)
82.) When is the last time you feel so hopeless: Last year, 2016
83.) When I was most disappointed: 2015
84.) Your monthly allowance: Different each time
85.) Fav animal: Cat
86.) Fav. Season: Spring
87.) Most memorable date: Memorable in a good way, 30 September 2013, the day I set foot in Netherlands
88.) What I look at when I look at someone of the other gender: Personality
89.) Proverb I currently think about: “Happiness does not come from the happiness itself, but from a journey towards achieving it.” – Finnish proverb
90.) Favorite place you’ve traveled to? Vienna
91.) My center of entertainment: Hmm, myself. I can do a lot of things and enjoy them alone.
92.) Love is?: Precious
93.) When I know the person I love has changed: When they stop caring
94.) TV Programs you watch the most: West: Supernatural (12 seasons and ongoing), Korean: Running Man (since 2010 to the present)
95.) What I like the most about myself: Being imaginative and independent
96.) A wish for this year: I hope everything I do ends up well
97.) When are you most glad: When I achieve something
98.) When were you burdened by money problem: During Bachelor degree when I have to work part time for a living, but rather than feeling burdened, it was a rewarding challenge.
99.) My motto: Hope lies between my struggle and faith
100.) Last thing you want to say: Finally done! This is fun!

My 10 Boundaries


We discussed about this before in the INFJ community,
What are the boundaries you set for your relationships with others to flourish?

So my 10 boundaries are:
1. Not forcing me to do something.
Ask me first before you put me onto something. I have to-do-list and I know my limit.
2. Keep your words, do not say one thing but do others. Pay your debt before the time is due.
3. Be honest, truthful, and sincere.
4. Watch your words, do not say hurtful words.
5. Be courteous.
Say Sorry when you’re wrong and fix your mistakes, don’t let others suffer the consequences of your actions,
say Please when asking for a favour, and
say Thank You after getting the help you need.
6. Be strong and responsible.
Do not depend on me too much. I need to depend on someone too, no matter how strong I am. Hold your responsibilities because I hold mine.
7. Don’t be selfish.
Thinking of your needs is okay, but it’s not okay when you’re sacrificing other people’s needs to get yours.
8. Listen, don’t ignore what I say, and do something about it.
I find it hard to voice my concern, but when I do, you need to listen because it matters to me.
9. Don’t meddle on my business.
I can take care of certain things myself. If it’s not related to you, don’t always ask questions and want to know everything.
10. Keep all secrets.
Everything that I share to you, you can’t share it to anyone. Because I’m a very private person so I dislike people talking about me on almost everything. Keep the conversation between us only.


Kami membahas hal ini sebelumnya di komunitas INFJ,
Apa batasan yang Anda tetapkan agar hubungan Anda dengan orang lain bisa berkembang?

10 batasan saya adalah:
1. Tidak memaksaku melakukan sesuatu.
Tanya aku dulu sebelum Anda menempatkanku pada sesuatu. Aku punya daftar tugas dan aku tahu batas kesanggupanku.
2. Tepati kata-kata Anda, jangan mengatakan satu hal tapi melakukan yang lain. Bayar hutang Anda sebelum waktunya jatuh tempo.
3. Berlakulah jujur, benar, dan tulus.
4. Jaga kata-katamu, jangan mengucapkan kata-kata yang menyakitkan.
5. Bersikap sopan.
Katakanlah maaf saat Anda salah dan perbaiki kesalahan Anda, jangan biarkan orang lain menderita akibat tindakan Anda,
Katakan tolong saat meminta bantuan, dan
ucapkan terimakasih setelah mendapat bantuan yang anda butuhkan.
6. Jadilah orang yang kuat dan bertanggung jawab.
Jangan terlalu bergantung padaku. Aku pun butuh bergantung pada seseorang, tidak peduli seberapapun kuatnya aku. Pegang tanggung jawabmu karena aku memenuhi tanggung jawabku.
7. Jangan egois.
Memikirkan kebutuhan Anda tidak apa-apa, tapi tidaklah baik bila Anda mengorbankan kebutuhan orang lain untuk mendapatkannya.
8. Dengarkan aku, jangan abaikan apa yang aku katakan, dan lakukan sesuatu tentang hal tersebut.
Aku sering merasa berat untuk menyuarakan kepentinganku, tapi ketika aku melakukannya, dengarkanlah karena ini benar-benar berarti bagiku.
9. Jangan mencampuri urusan saya.
Saya bisa mengurus hal-hal tertentu sendiri. Jadi jika sesuatu hal tersebut tidak berhubungan dengan Anda, jangan selalu mengajukan pertanyaan dan ingin tahu segalanya.
10. Jaga semua rahasia.
Segala sesuatu yang aku bagikan padamu, jangan membagikannya kepada siapapun. Karena aku orang yang sangat menjaga privasi jadi aku tidak suka orang membicarakanku pada hampir semua hal. Simpan percakapan kita di antara kita saja.


Disclaimer: Only picture is not mine, all right for the picture belongs to the original source.

My Life as a Highly Sensitive People



I could go from having a very high spirit to hitting a down low several times a day. Because everything influence me very much.
Often time I could camouflage so people won’t notice.
My emotions could also get to my physical condition.
“But you’re still fine just yesterday, or just a minute ago.”
Well, things happen and I change.
Or the opposite, things happen and I smile or laugh.
I used to feel embarrassed to admit that I’m a sensitive person.
So even if I have read about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) before, I tried to deny I might be one.
But everyone’s born with their traits for some reasons.
So I’m proud to admit it now.
I’ve probably been a HSP since birth.
I sometimes cried back home from school for some reasons. But no one knew, except my mother, whom I confided in. She hugged me and then I was fine.
I cried watching movies or dramas because I associated with the characters’ feelings as if they’re real people.
But then I have this stoic expression on my face as if nothing could influence me.
Everything matters to me.
Even though I said they don’t.


To get more explanation about who is HSP, there is an article about 16 Habits Of Highly Sensitive People posted on Huffington Post. Read more explanation on the source. I will only put the list here.

1. They feel more deeply.
2. They’re more emotionally reactive.
3. They’re probably used to hearing, “Don’t take things so personally” and “Why are you so sensitive?”
4. They prefer to exercise solo.
5. It takes longer for them to make decisions.
6. And on that note, they are more upset if they make a “bad” or “wrong” decision.
7. They’re extremely detail-oriented.
8. Not all highly sensitive people are introverts. About 30% of HSP are extroverts.
9. They work well in team environments. Because they’re deep thinker.
10. They’re more prone to anxiety or depression (but only if they’ve had a lot of past negative experiences).
11. That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to a highly sensitive person.
12. Violent movies are the worst. Violence or horror themes may not be their cup of tea.
13. They cry more easily.
14. They have above-average manners.
15. The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people.
16. Cubicles = good. Open-office plans = bad. They may prefer solo work environments (working from home or being self-employed).


Disclaimer: picture & article added to explain HSP belongs to Huffington Post. All rights are reserved to them.

My Pride: Forgive but Not Forget


I have this sense of pride.
For example, when someone choose money over me, then they can have the money but not me.
I forgive them, I do.
But letting them be a part of my life again is out of the question.
I have right to protect myself against any potential threat that might come ahead.

You’re good to me, I try to treat you better.
You’re bad for me, I won’t hate or do revenge on you, I just eliminate you from my life.

Why? Because I should surround myself with people who are good for me.
Islam suggests that notion “surround yourself with good people.”
So I’m not in the wrong here.

In anything you read, you will find this saying, “to find happiness, just focus on those who matter.”

See, I just realize this so late, you don’t need to satisfy all, you couldn’t possibly do that, you only need to appreciate those who appreciate you, to love those who love you, to be with those who matter to you.


Disclaimer: Only picture is not mine, all right for the picture belongs to the original source.